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Laugh out loud...NOW
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grissomsgal_uk
Hey, just received these hilarious comedy excerpts (from the Edinburgh Fringe)from a co-worker. British comedy at its best. I had to laugh out loud. Enjoy!

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr



The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance



My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon



The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance



My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly



Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance



My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly



You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..

Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms



The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap



I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron



I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco



Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance



Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms



A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34



Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance



I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand



It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance



I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand



If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

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